MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Act 3 Scene 3

(Enter Dogberry and his compartner Verges, with the Watch)
l1l	Dogberry	 Are you good men and true?
l2l	Verges	Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer
l3l		salvation, body and soul.
l4l	Dogberry	Nay, that were a punishment too good for them
l5l		if they should have any allegiance in them, being
l6l		chosen for the Prince’s watch.
l7l	Verges	Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
l8l	Dogberry	First, who think you the most desertless man
l9l		to be constable?
l10l	Second Watchman	Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal,
l11l		for they can write and read.
l12l	Dogberry	Come hither, neighbour Seacoal, God hath blest
l13l		you with a good name. To be a well-favoured man is
l14l		the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by
l15l		nature.
l16l	First Watchman	Both which, Master Constable—
l17l	Dogberry	You have. I knew it would be your answer.
l18l		Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and
l19l		make no boast of it. And for your writing and reading,
l20l		let that appear when there is no need of such vanity.
l21l		You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit
l22l		man for the constable of the watch, therefore bear you
l23l		the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend
l24l		all vagrom men. You are to bid any man stand, in the
l25l		Prince’s name.
l26l	First Watchman	How if a will not stand?
l27l	Dogberry	Why then take no note of him, but let him go,
l28l		and presently call the rest of the watch together, and
l29l		thank God you are rid of a knave.
l30l	Verges	If he will not stand when he is bidden he is none
l31l		of the Prince’s subjects.
l32l	Dogberry	True, and they are to meddle with none but
l33l		the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no noise
l34l		in the streets, for for the watch to babble and to talk
l35l		is most tolerable and not to be endured.
l36l	A Watchman	We will rather sleep than talk. We know
l37l		what belongs to a watch.
l38l	Dogberry	Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
l39l		watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend.
l40l		Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well,
l41l		you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that
l42l		are drunk get them to bed.
l43l	A Watchman	How if they will not?
l44l	Dogberry	Why then, let them alone till they are sober.
l45l		If they make you not then the better answer, you may
l46l		say they are not the men you took them for.
l47l	A Watchman	Well, sir.
l48l	Dogberry	If you meet a thief you may suspect him, by
l49l		virtue of your office, to be no true man# and for such
l50l		kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them
l51l		why, the more is for your honesty.
l52l	A Watchman	If we know him to be a thief, shall we not
l53l		lay hands on him?
l54l	Dogberry	Truly, by your office you may, but I think they
l55l		that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable
l56l		way for you if you do take a thief is to let him show
l57l		himself what he is, and steal out of your company.
l58l	Verges	You have been always called a merciful man,
l59l		partner.
l60l	Dogberry	Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will,
l61l		much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
l62l	Verges	If you hear a child cry in the night you must call
l63l		to the nurse and bid her still it.
l64l	A Watchman	How if the nurse be asleep and will not
l65l		hear us?
l66l	Dogberry	Why then, depart in peace and let the child
l67l		wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear
l68l		her lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when
l69l		he bleats.
l70l	Verges	’Tis very true.
l71l	Dogberry	This is the end of the charge. You, constable,
l72l		are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the
l73l		Prince in the night you may stay him.
l74l	Verges	Nay, by ’r Lady, that I think a cannot.
l75l	Dogberry	Five shillings to one on ’t with any man that
l76l		knows the statutes he may stay him. Marry, not without
l77l		the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch ought to
l78l		offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a man
l79l		against his will.
l80l	Verges	By ’r Lady, I think it be so.
l81l	Dogberry	Ha ha ha! Well, masters, good night. An there
l82l		be any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep
l83l		your fellows’ counsels, and your own, and good night.
l84l		Come, neighbour.
l85l	[First] Watchman	Well, masters, we hear our charge.
l86l		Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and
l87l		then all to bed.
l88l	Dogberry	One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you
l89l		watch about Signor Leonato’s door, for the wedding
l90l		being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight.
l91l		Adieu. Be vigitant, I beseech you.
		(Exeunt Dogberry and Verges. The Watch sit)
l92l		(Enter Borachio and Conrad)
		Borachio	 What, Conrad!
l93l	[First] Watchman	(aside)
		 Peace, stir not.
l94l	Borachio	Conrad, I say.
l95l	Conrad	Here, man, I am at thy elbow.
l96l	Borachio	Mass, an my elbow itched, I thought there
l97l		would a scab follow.
l98l	Conrad	I will owe thee an answer for that. And now,
l99l		forward with thy tale.
l100l	Borachio	Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse,
l101l		for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard,
l102l		utter all to thee.
l103l	A Watchman	(aside)
		 Some treason, masters. Yet stand
l104l		close.
l105l	Borachio	Therefore, know I have earned of Don John a
l106l		thousand ducats.
l107l	Conrad	Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
l108l	Borachio	Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
l109l		villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have
l110l		need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price
l111l		they will.
l112l	Conrad	I wonder at it.
l113l	Borachio	That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou
l114l		knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a
l115l		cloak is nothing to a man.
l116l	Conrad	Yes, it is apparel.
l117l	Borachio	I mean the fashion.
l118l	Conrad	Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
l119l	Borachio	Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But
l120l		seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
l121l	A Watchman	(aside)
		 I know that Deformed. A has been
l122l		a vile thief this seven year. A goes up and down like a
l123l		gentleman. I remember his name.
l124l	Borachio	Didst thou not hear somebody?
l125l	Conrad	No, ’twas the vane on the house.
l126l	Borachio	Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief
l127l		this fashion is, how giddily a turns about all the hot-
l128l		bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes
l129l		fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy
l130l		painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old
l131l		church window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in
l132l		the smirched, worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece
l133l		seems as massy as his club?
l134l	Conrad	All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears
l135l		out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
l136l		thyself giddy with the fashion, too, that thou hast
l137l		shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
l138l	Borachio	Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight
l139l		wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the
l140l		name of Hero. She leans me out at her mistress’
l141l		chamber window, bids me a thousand times good
l142l		night—I tell this tale vilely, I should first tell thee how
l143l		the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and placed
l144l		and possessed by my master, Don John, saw afar off in
l145l		the orchard this amiable encounter.
l146l	Conrad	And thought they Margaret was Hero?
l147l	Borachio	Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but
l148l		the devil my master knew she was Margaret, and partly
l149l		by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the
l150l		dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my
l151l		villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John
l152l		had made, away went Claudio enraged, swore he would
l153l		meet her as he was appointed next morning at the
l154l		temple, and there, before the whole congregation,
l155l		shame her with what he saw o’ernight, and send her
l156l		home again without a husband.
l157l	[First] Watchman	(coming forward)
		 We charge you in the
l158l		Prince’s name. Stand.
l159l	[A Watchman]	Call up the right Master Constable. We
l160l		have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery
l161l		that ever was known in the commonwealth.
l162l	[First] Watchman	And one Deformed is one of them. I
l163l		know him—a wears a lock.
l164l	Conrad	Masters, masters!
l165l	[A Watchman]	You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I
l166l		warrant you.
l167l	[Conrad]	Masters—
l168l	[A Watchman]	Never speak. We charge you. Let us obey
l169l		you to go with us.
l170l	Borachio	(to Conrad)
		 We are like to prove a goodly
l171l		commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.
l172l	Conrad	A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come,
l173l		we’ll obey you.
		(Exeunt)